These Are Definitely Not the "Glory Days"

My post from http://sdptk.blogspot.com, September 23, 2010

LIVERPOOP, ENGLAND - A sad-faced Roy Hodgson came out of his house to face the music, then promptly chased away a group of carollers on his porch. The probably-soon-to-be-ex-manager of Liverpool has been widely criticised by the media, the Queen, Queen, the Pope, supporters and Ijaz Butt for his team's poor performance. Liverpool hired Hodgson after they had sacked their previous manager after the 2009/10 season after being caught placing a home made paper mache trophy with "Best Effort" written on in crayon inside the club's trophy cabinet.

"Hodgson was hired because of his impeccable credentials", said the club's owner whose name I don't know. "He has many accomplishments under his belt leading up to his employment here. Before joining Liverpool, he won the Premiership 8 times with Manchester United between 1998 and 2010. He has also won the Champions League twice and the FA Cup 4 times. He is by far the most experienced manager that money can buy. During this time, he has also taken York Town from the Conference League to the First Division in three years - an achievement no other manager from any club, English or non-English, can boast about".

The unknown owner who I will now refer to as "Mr Who", went on to boast about Hodgson turning young players such as Ryan Millwall and Jason Underwood into international stars in a few years. But when asked to comment on the fact that all Hodgson's achievements were only fictional as he built his CV around his achievements in the Sierra computer game "Ultimate Soccer Manager 98/99", Mr Who refused to comment.

"However", Mr Who added, "he is rather crap at his job at the moment. So far in the Premier League, Liverpool has only five points from five games, which, as I was told by my lovely personal assistant Tiffany, isn't very good at all. The last time Manchester United started a season with less than six points, was in 1921 when they were on only 3 points after their first game, but comparing Manchester United to Liverpool is like comparing apples and oranges or footballers to waitresses pretending to be footballers".

Mr Who didn't make it clear if it was Manchester United or Liverpool who were the apples, oranges, footballers or waitresses pretending to be footballers.

After being kicked out of the tournament formerly known as the League Cup last night, where the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince sang the FA's theme song from Abba's 1976 album "Arrival", "Money, Money, Money", Hodgson met the press for his views. "It's a major setback for the club. This will now make it more difficult for us to win the [Carling] cup from here, but we will go back to the drawing board and improve on every aspect of our game. We gave it our best, but it wasn't good enough. Obviously it's disappointing, catches win matches but you also need to put runs on the board". After reading from the Ravi Shastri Book of Interview Responses, he signalled the end of the interview by throwing his glass of ice water on a journalist and swatting at a photographer.

Supporters weren't too impressed with Rafa Benitez's lack of trophies over the years, but it is only a matter of time before Liverpool's current manager Roy Hodgson finds himself walking alone one the boulevard of broken dreams.

And upon hearing Mr Who say "...the best...that money can buy", Manchester City's owners quickly bought the island of Manhattan, the QE2 and the toothbrush fence in New Zealand.

Shaik it up baby!

Schabir - so close to death it's not funny

DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA - Schabir Shaik is the center of even more controversy this week. On Saturday (26 February, 2011) Shaik allegedly assaulted a Sunday Tribune reporter for speaking during his backswing. The reporter also was standing directly behind Shaik, which is not proper golf etiquette.

The reporter, Amanda Khozah*, was tipped off that Shaik was playing a round of golf at the Papwa Sewgolum course in Durban and promptly put her name down to be part of the fourball that he was playing in. The Papwa Sewgolum golf course does not discriminate against anyone except Felicia Mabuza Suttle, so it was not difficult for Khozah to arrange a tee-off time with Shaik. Had he been playing at Durban Country Club, Khozah would have had to dress more like a man, as women are only allowed at social events, but aren't allowed to speak.

In an interview with Shaik on Sunday, he said that he suspected something after the halfway house.

"My partner and I suspected that there was something askew with Amanda after the halfway point. We offered her a delightful glass of Johnny Walker Black Label, but she declined as she was 'at work'. After she teed off on the 14th hole and sent her ball fifty meters backwards again, my partner mentioned that Amanda looks like a reporter that works for the Sunday Tribune. I had not noticed this, as I got very ill and my eyesight deteriorated significantly since I heard about medical parole."

Shaik went on to explain that after having a close look at Khozah, he realised that she was in fact Amanda Khozah, and not Amanda Peet as she had claimed.

"I like Amanda Peet. She's my favourite actress. I especially loved her in that movie she did where she was playing a character in the movie. She said her lines with such conviction, almost as if they were her own."

When asked if there were any other tell-tale signs that she was in fact a reporter, he said that he didn't notice anything straight away.

"We did find it rather odd that every time we were talking, she held out a tape recorder. She said it was for later, in case we wanted to relive the comments we made during the day. I suppose the expensive camera she used to take pictures of us in between her shots could have been a clue as well. She also teed off with a putter more than once."

"On the fifteenth hole, I realised that she was a reporter... did I mention that I am very sick? We confronted her when we I was teeing off. She was standing right behind me and was talking on her cellphone. I pulled the cellphone away and then gave her a smack, no a light slap. Almost like a feather tickling her against her cheek. I feel that she overplayed it a bit when she fell over and stayed unconscious for an hour."

Schabir Shaik is out on medical parole after being sentenced to 15 years in hospital for fraud. Shaik was released on medical parole after landing up on death's door shortly after sentencing, but it seems as though he is there without a key. It is stipulated in his parole agreement that he is not to take part in anything illegal between 8:00am and 3:00pm on a Sunday between the full moon and waning gibbous phase, but before the end of the month if the next day is a Public Holiday. He also has set of four free time periods every day of six hours each.

When asked to comment, the DA's spokesman said that Schabir Shaik should "man up" and "grow some balls" and take accountability for his actions.


*Not her real name

BREAKING NEWS (from last week): Eagles Players To Undergo Testing

It has emerged that the South African cricket franchise, The Eagles, are to undergo testing after returning from their tour to India to participate in the T20 Champions League. The ICC has sighted several players who "seemed to have bowled like girls".

Recently South African sport was involved in a gender scandal involving 800m women's gold winner Caster Semenya who was accused of not being a woman because she had a male physique and a deep voice. Later it was revealed that she was wearing a "Boy" cap while staying at the hotel in Germany, but Max Moseley - who has nothing to do with any real sport - defended Semenya by stating "I wear my girlfriend's underwear to work everyday, but that doesn't make me a woman".

This week Moseley, who defended Semenya, was reportedly heard saying that even though the Eagles cricketers in question looked very much like boys, "they did awaken some feelings inside me that only a woman dressed in full Hitler Youth attire could".

The ICC was pressured into taking action by the BCCI, but refused to comment on rumours that Lalit Modi was planning on starting a Twenty20 tournament for transgendered individuals as well as women.

The Eagles coach could not be reached for comment, but Dr Makhenkesi Stofile, the Minister of Sport and Recreation of South Africa, released a statement to the press Saturday on South African television stations:

"It has been brought to my attention that there is unhappiness about the ladi... men's cricket team that represented us in the UEFA Champions League in India earlier this month. I would like to assure the people of the world that there was nothing suspicious about these gir... men. I have coached them myself personally and can state with full confidence that there is nothing wrong with their handicaps."

After the statement, Stofile answered various questions from the media, although questions about sport weren't allowed because his translator wasn't present.

Champion League, Shmampions League

At the start of the tournament, it was perceived as an uneven match between international IPL teams and lesser-known other international-less teams. The IPL boasting 3 teams in the tournament (to boost their chances of winning I suppose) and then the top two teams in each country - England, South Africa, Australia, India, New Zealand, Sri Lanka and West Indies, with the last two only represented by one team for some reason.

Many people believe that this is a money-making scheme dreamt up by Lalit Money (am I making it too obvious that I don't like him much?), while The Man himself wants us to believe that it is his way of ensuring the future of cricket. That's funny, because cricket was doing just fine before he started believing that he had the "Midas touch", but now we're allowing him to touch cricket.

In many countries that would be illegal.

Meanwhile, the Champions League is past the initial group stages. I wasn't fully aware of just how intricate the system was, but luckily I have CricInfo to help me out. I read it over and over, because nobody can look at the inside of a Swiss watch and understand it at first glance. If it wasn't for CricInfo, I would have been lost in the System:


"The team with the highest number of points at the end of the Group Stage shall finish 1st on the Group Points Table and the team with the lowsest shall finish 3rd."


The only thing I'm wondering about now is what about the team that ended with neither the highest number of points nor the lowerst number of points? I suspect that they are uncertain about this, because the ICC is still waiting for Australia to grant the members from the Board of Cricket Maladministration for Zimbabwe visas so that they can start discussing this matter.

And as the tournament comes closer to the end, there are no more semi final places left. Trinidad&Tobago, Cape Cobras, Victoria and New South Wales have taken up the four spots and as you can tell by the lack of IPL teams in the semi final slots, there are no IPL teams in the semi finals. I'm trying to care, but it's not happening.

As a South African, I'm hoping that the Cape Cobras take the tournament, but as a Cricket supporter, I really couldn't care less, because the IPL teams are out and therefore I have nobody to cheer against.

Proteas choke on humble pie

Last night I stayed up way past my bed time to watch South Africa choke yet again in a tournament where they were once again labelled as favourites.

England defy Smith to reach semis

This was a huge surprise to me, because they have just come from a very successful off season:

Graeme Smith won a pie eating contest at the county fair
Jacques Kallis came second on "Biggest Loser"
Wayne Parnell beat the rest of his family at "Hungry Hippos" two weeks ago

With the biggest success coming from AB de Villiers, who successfully applied for Telkom ADSL and got it set up at his house in under three months.

The Proteas went into the ICC's Champion's Trophy proclaiming far and wide that they are invincible and that not even a team full of Australians can knock them down.

However, they didn't expect the wise Garysutra to come onto the scene (no pun intended) with his R-rated coaching techniques. Garysutra is currently coaching the Indian team, but this hasn't stopped the English from learning a thing or two from him, like the part about "winners bonk before a match". In that lesson, Garysutra was said to have taught his Indian team how shagging and winning go hand in hand.

Up till now the English have only played like wankers, but after Garysutra's teachings began to spread throughout the world, the decided to change their approach and they have since become wankers. The proof is in the pie... Swann Pie as some people are saying.

So for now I'd simply like to say well done to the Poms for showing that they do in fact have the balls to defend a score against a good side. They batted quite well and we bowled quite badly, then after the break, we batted OK while they bowled well.

All I can say is that the Tests at the end of year will be really great to watch. I hope Strauss can get himself a thicker helmet though.

I'm trying hard not to be a bitter old fart about us being kicked out of a tournament we should have won.

It was a dark day for Test Cricket...

... for it was played during the night. A novel idea, but only as a once-off thing and also if was done for charity - like for the Keep the ICC Out of Cricket Foundation, or "KIOCF".

No doubt a silly idea, but the cash strapped English Cricket Board seems to be going ahead with it anyway. At around 100 squid for an English Test ticket (which I looked up on Google, but correct me if I'm wrong) makes a ZAR160 South African ticket (under 13 squid for a full five days' Test cricket viewing), it seems as though there must be a terrible amount of money disappearing after arriving at the ECB's offices.

First they'll need to wash their white cricket balls with red ones to make them pink, then they'll have to get Liberace to design some "fabulous!" kit for the participating teams and then they're all set for a fabulous! day of night cricket.

However, this might be a good idea, because they would now be able to play three tests in a five day cycle. Example:

3:00 - 10:00 : Pakistan vs India
11:00 - 18:00 : South Africa vs Australia
19:00 - 2:00 : England vs Sri Lanka

And just like that, you can have three test matches played in five days (or less). This is the only way I feel that we could arrange a World Cup of Test Cricket. Just the thought of having 21 hours of Test cricket in one day (with an acceptable 1 hour of sleep every 7 hours) makes me very excited. I cannot think of a better idea to save Test cricket.

The more they pack into a day, the better. In fact, we should look into the idea of dividing the field into four and then playing four Tests at the same time. That way, if one Test match is getting a bit dull, then you can simply walk a few paces to your left or right and you'll have a completely different match to watch.

"Super Sub" suddely pops into my mind, but only because I'm hungry.

But seriously, Test cricket is not a Gay Pride parade. I cannot imagine men running around at night throwing pink balls at each other.

If my grandfather was alive, he'd say, "Huh? Sorry, I don't watch cricket".

Victory!! For the Poms at least.

Once again, The Ashes were saved from taking another trip Down Under by a spectacular century from none other than ex-South African Jonathan Trott, proving once again that the best thing in the English cricket team is the South African... or should I say South Africans?

England used 4 of them to great effect in this round of The Ashes:

Andrew Strauss (Johannesburg, 1977)
Kevin Pietersen (Pietermaritzburg, 1980)
Jonathan Trott (Cape Town, 1981)
Matt Prior (Johannesburg, 1982)

In the five Tests played, the Pom batsmen made a total of 2,608 runs, of which 1048 were scored by South Africans. That's a whopping 40.18% of the runs.

Wow.

I'll work out some more stats later, but first I need to do some research on the games and do some calculations and things.

But anyway, well done to the Poms for giving the Aussies carrots. They comprehensively and savagely thrashed them 2-1. Australia will look at this series and realise that it was mostly the lack of wickets that cost them. Only taking twenty English wickets in a match once, compared to England having done that twice, which also happens to be what the score was.

Therefore, to win a Test match, I have narrowed it down to these most important points:

1: Make more runs than your opposition - you can't lose if they're behind you (See point 2 and 3).
2: Take 20 wickets - your opposition can't score more runs than you if they're not batting (see point 1 and 3).
3: Don't concede unnecessary runs (See point 1 and 2).


There has never been a series like this where such a large percentage of the world was against the Aussies. Even the entire population of China was against them, which already makes up 80% of the world's population.

Now that England have done the world a favour by making South Africa the number one ranked Test team in the world (although, if you asked me, I'd tell you that we did it all on our own).

However, I'm looking forward to when the South African B side tours South Africa at the end of the year. Should be a cracker of a tour. South Africans have shown that they enjoy kicking the top ranked teams off their spots, so lets see if we'll be able to kick ourselves off the top. Perhaps Jacques Rudolph will make an appearance against us this summer? When England play against South Africa later this year, it will most probably be the most South Africans taking part in the same game of cricket since isolation.