These Are Definitely Not the "Glory Days"

My post from http://sdptk.blogspot.com, September 23, 2010

LIVERPOOP, ENGLAND - A sad-faced Roy Hodgson came out of his house to face the music, then promptly chased away a group of carollers on his porch. The probably-soon-to-be-ex-manager of Liverpool has been widely criticised by the media, the Queen, Queen, the Pope, supporters and Ijaz Butt for his team's poor performance. Liverpool hired Hodgson after they had sacked their previous manager after the 2009/10 season after being caught placing a home made paper mache trophy with "Best Effort" written on in crayon inside the club's trophy cabinet.

"Hodgson was hired because of his impeccable credentials", said the club's owner whose name I don't know. "He has many accomplishments under his belt leading up to his employment here. Before joining Liverpool, he won the Premiership 8 times with Manchester United between 1998 and 2010. He has also won the Champions League twice and the FA Cup 4 times. He is by far the most experienced manager that money can buy. During this time, he has also taken York Town from the Conference League to the First Division in three years - an achievement no other manager from any club, English or non-English, can boast about".

The unknown owner who I will now refer to as "Mr Who", went on to boast about Hodgson turning young players such as Ryan Millwall and Jason Underwood into international stars in a few years. But when asked to comment on the fact that all Hodgson's achievements were only fictional as he built his CV around his achievements in the Sierra computer game "Ultimate Soccer Manager 98/99", Mr Who refused to comment.

"However", Mr Who added, "he is rather crap at his job at the moment. So far in the Premier League, Liverpool has only five points from five games, which, as I was told by my lovely personal assistant Tiffany, isn't very good at all. The last time Manchester United started a season with less than six points, was in 1921 when they were on only 3 points after their first game, but comparing Manchester United to Liverpool is like comparing apples and oranges or footballers to waitresses pretending to be footballers".

Mr Who didn't make it clear if it was Manchester United or Liverpool who were the apples, oranges, footballers or waitresses pretending to be footballers.

After being kicked out of the tournament formerly known as the League Cup last night, where the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince sang the FA's theme song from Abba's 1976 album "Arrival", "Money, Money, Money", Hodgson met the press for his views. "It's a major setback for the club. This will now make it more difficult for us to win the [Carling] cup from here, but we will go back to the drawing board and improve on every aspect of our game. We gave it our best, but it wasn't good enough. Obviously it's disappointing, catches win matches but you also need to put runs on the board". After reading from the Ravi Shastri Book of Interview Responses, he signalled the end of the interview by throwing his glass of ice water on a journalist and swatting at a photographer.

Supporters weren't too impressed with Rafa Benitez's lack of trophies over the years, but it is only a matter of time before Liverpool's current manager Roy Hodgson finds himself walking alone one the boulevard of broken dreams.

And upon hearing Mr Who say "...the best...that money can buy", Manchester City's owners quickly bought the island of Manhattan, the QE2 and the toothbrush fence in New Zealand.

Shaik it up baby!

Schabir - so close to death it's not funny

DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA - Schabir Shaik is the center of even more controversy this week. On Saturday (26 February, 2011) Shaik allegedly assaulted a Sunday Tribune reporter for speaking during his backswing. The reporter also was standing directly behind Shaik, which is not proper golf etiquette.

The reporter, Amanda Khozah*, was tipped off that Shaik was playing a round of golf at the Papwa Sewgolum course in Durban and promptly put her name down to be part of the fourball that he was playing in. The Papwa Sewgolum golf course does not discriminate against anyone except Felicia Mabuza Suttle, so it was not difficult for Khozah to arrange a tee-off time with Shaik. Had he been playing at Durban Country Club, Khozah would have had to dress more like a man, as women are only allowed at social events, but aren't allowed to speak.

In an interview with Shaik on Sunday, he said that he suspected something after the halfway house.

"My partner and I suspected that there was something askew with Amanda after the halfway point. We offered her a delightful glass of Johnny Walker Black Label, but she declined as she was 'at work'. After she teed off on the 14th hole and sent her ball fifty meters backwards again, my partner mentioned that Amanda looks like a reporter that works for the Sunday Tribune. I had not noticed this, as I got very ill and my eyesight deteriorated significantly since I heard about medical parole."

Shaik went on to explain that after having a close look at Khozah, he realised that she was in fact Amanda Khozah, and not Amanda Peet as she had claimed.

"I like Amanda Peet. She's my favourite actress. I especially loved her in that movie she did where she was playing a character in the movie. She said her lines with such conviction, almost as if they were her own."

When asked if there were any other tell-tale signs that she was in fact a reporter, he said that he didn't notice anything straight away.

"We did find it rather odd that every time we were talking, she held out a tape recorder. She said it was for later, in case we wanted to relive the comments we made during the day. I suppose the expensive camera she used to take pictures of us in between her shots could have been a clue as well. She also teed off with a putter more than once."

"On the fifteenth hole, I realised that she was a reporter... did I mention that I am very sick? We confronted her when we I was teeing off. She was standing right behind me and was talking on her cellphone. I pulled the cellphone away and then gave her a smack, no a light slap. Almost like a feather tickling her against her cheek. I feel that she overplayed it a bit when she fell over and stayed unconscious for an hour."

Schabir Shaik is out on medical parole after being sentenced to 15 years in hospital for fraud. Shaik was released on medical parole after landing up on death's door shortly after sentencing, but it seems as though he is there without a key. It is stipulated in his parole agreement that he is not to take part in anything illegal between 8:00am and 3:00pm on a Sunday between the full moon and waning gibbous phase, but before the end of the month if the next day is a Public Holiday. He also has set of four free time periods every day of six hours each.

When asked to comment, the DA's spokesman said that Schabir Shaik should "man up" and "grow some balls" and take accountability for his actions.


*Not her real name