Monday, October 26, 2009

BREAKING NEWS (from last week): Eagles Players To Undergo Testing

It has emerged that the South African cricket franchise, The Eagles, are to undergo testing after returning from their tour to India to participate in the T20 Champions League. The ICC has sighted several players who "seemed to have bowled like girls".

Recently South African sport was involved in a gender scandal involving 800m women's gold winner Caster Semenya who was accused of not being a woman because she had a male physique and a deep voice. Later it was revealed that she was wearing a "Boy" cap while staying at the hotel in Germany, but Max Moseley - who has nothing to do with any real sport - defended Semenya by stating "I wear my girlfriend's underwear to work everyday, but that doesn't make me a woman".

This week Moseley, who defended Semenya, was reportedly heard saying that even though the Eagles cricketers in question looked very much like boys, "they did awaken some feelings inside me that only a woman dressed in full Hitler Youth attire could".

The ICC was pressured into taking action by the BCCI, but refused to comment on rumours that Lalit Modi was planning on starting a Twenty20 tournament for transgendered individuals as well as women.

The Eagles coach could not be reached for comment, but Dr Makhenkesi Stofile, the Minister of Sport and Recreation of South Africa, released a statement to the press Saturday on South African television stations:

"It has been brought to my attention that there is unhappiness about the ladi... men's cricket team that represented us in the UEFA Champions League in India earlier this month. I would like to assure the people of the world that there was nothing suspicious about these gir... men. I have coached them myself personally and can state with full confidence that there is nothing wrong with their handicaps."

After the statement, Stofile answered various questions from the media, although questions about sport weren't allowed because his translator wasn't present.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Champion League, Shmampions League

At the start of the tournament, it was perceived as an uneven match between international IPL teams and lesser-known other international-less teams. The IPL boasting 3 teams in the tournament (to boost their chances of winning I suppose) and then the top two teams in each country - England, South Africa, Australia, India, New Zealand, Sri Lanka and West Indies, with the last two only represented by one team for some reason.

Many people believe that this is a money-making scheme dreamt up by Lalit Money (am I making it too obvious that I don't like him much?), while The Man himself wants us to believe that it is his way of ensuring the future of cricket. That's funny, because cricket was doing just fine before he started believing that he had the "Midas touch", but now we're allowing him to touch cricket.

In many countries that would be illegal.

Meanwhile, the Champions League is past the initial group stages. I wasn't fully aware of just how intricate the system was, but luckily I have CricInfo to help me out. I read it over and over, because nobody can look at the inside of a Swiss watch and understand it at first glance. If it wasn't for CricInfo, I would have been lost in the System:


"The team with the highest number of points at the end of the Group Stage shall finish 1st on the Group Points Table and the team with the lowsest shall finish 3rd."


The only thing I'm wondering about now is what about the team that ended with neither the highest number of points nor the lowerst number of points? I suspect that they are uncertain about this, because the ICC is still waiting for Australia to grant the members from the Board of Cricket Maladministration for Zimbabwe visas so that they can start discussing this matter.

And as the tournament comes closer to the end, there are no more semi final places left. Trinidad&Tobago, Cape Cobras, Victoria and New South Wales have taken up the four spots and as you can tell by the lack of IPL teams in the semi final slots, there are no IPL teams in the semi finals. I'm trying to care, but it's not happening.

As a South African, I'm hoping that the Cape Cobras take the tournament, but as a Cricket supporter, I really couldn't care less, because the IPL teams are out and therefore I have nobody to cheer against.