Proteas choke on humble pie

Last night I stayed up way past my bed time to watch South Africa choke yet again in a tournament where they were once again labelled as favourites.

England defy Smith to reach semis

This was a huge surprise to me, because they have just come from a very successful off season:

Graeme Smith won a pie eating contest at the county fair
Jacques Kallis came second on "Biggest Loser"
Wayne Parnell beat the rest of his family at "Hungry Hippos" two weeks ago

With the biggest success coming from AB de Villiers, who successfully applied for Telkom ADSL and got it set up at his house in under three months.

The Proteas went into the ICC's Champion's Trophy proclaiming far and wide that they are invincible and that not even a team full of Australians can knock them down.

However, they didn't expect the wise Garysutra to come onto the scene (no pun intended) with his R-rated coaching techniques. Garysutra is currently coaching the Indian team, but this hasn't stopped the English from learning a thing or two from him, like the part about "winners bonk before a match". In that lesson, Garysutra was said to have taught his Indian team how shagging and winning go hand in hand.

Up till now the English have only played like wankers, but after Garysutra's teachings began to spread throughout the world, the decided to change their approach and they have since become wankers. The proof is in the pie... Swann Pie as some people are saying.

So for now I'd simply like to say well done to the Poms for showing that they do in fact have the balls to defend a score against a good side. They batted quite well and we bowled quite badly, then after the break, we batted OK while they bowled well.

All I can say is that the Tests at the end of year will be really great to watch. I hope Strauss can get himself a thicker helmet though.

I'm trying hard not to be a bitter old fart about us being kicked out of a tournament we should have won.

It was a dark day for Test Cricket...

... for it was played during the night. A novel idea, but only as a once-off thing and also if was done for charity - like for the Keep the ICC Out of Cricket Foundation, or "KIOCF".

No doubt a silly idea, but the cash strapped English Cricket Board seems to be going ahead with it anyway. At around 100 squid for an English Test ticket (which I looked up on Google, but correct me if I'm wrong) makes a ZAR160 South African ticket (under 13 squid for a full five days' Test cricket viewing), it seems as though there must be a terrible amount of money disappearing after arriving at the ECB's offices.

First they'll need to wash their white cricket balls with red ones to make them pink, then they'll have to get Liberace to design some "fabulous!" kit for the participating teams and then they're all set for a fabulous! day of night cricket.

However, this might be a good idea, because they would now be able to play three tests in a five day cycle. Example:

3:00 - 10:00 : Pakistan vs India
11:00 - 18:00 : South Africa vs Australia
19:00 - 2:00 : England vs Sri Lanka

And just like that, you can have three test matches played in five days (or less). This is the only way I feel that we could arrange a World Cup of Test Cricket. Just the thought of having 21 hours of Test cricket in one day (with an acceptable 1 hour of sleep every 7 hours) makes me very excited. I cannot think of a better idea to save Test cricket.

The more they pack into a day, the better. In fact, we should look into the idea of dividing the field into four and then playing four Tests at the same time. That way, if one Test match is getting a bit dull, then you can simply walk a few paces to your left or right and you'll have a completely different match to watch.

"Super Sub" suddely pops into my mind, but only because I'm hungry.

But seriously, Test cricket is not a Gay Pride parade. I cannot imagine men running around at night throwing pink balls at each other.

If my grandfather was alive, he'd say, "Huh? Sorry, I don't watch cricket".