Donald - "Legalise ball tampering"

Alan Donald has called for the ban on ball tampering to be lifted. His reasons for this is that there should be less of a gap between batsmen and bowlers.

As part of his argument, he pointed out that between 1990 and 1995 the the ban on knee tampering was lifted in ice skating. During this period, Tonya Harding took full advantage of it and promtly smashed Nancy Kerrigan's knee with a crowbar (the ban on crowbars was temporarily lifted too).

Donald has called for the ban on ball tampering to be lifted due to the decrease in lively pitches being prepared.

"Tampering with the ball would make it more interesting for the bowlers" he said. "We can now call on the twelfth man to bring out a proper cheese grater instead of hiding a lemon zester in our underwear all day."

He also called on "unlimited use of the short delivery" as well as "no restrictions on fielders in a catching position on the leg side".

While Richard Hadlee applauded this idea along with ex-players such as Glenn McGrath and Waqar Younis, some were not so supportive. Brian Lara, Sunil Gavaskar and Graeme Pollock declared that such tactics would make it impossible for top batsmen to score with complete freedom and would make current legendary batsmen look ordinary and middle order batsmen look like Misbah Ul Haq.

Donald's list of approved scuffing tools was handed to the group before he spoke. This included:

Cheese grater
Tweezers
A wet sock
Angle grinder
Russel Crowe's stubble
Biting

Lalit Modi has indicated that he would be interested in supplying cricketers with a multi-purpose tool for tampering with balls. These tools will include a little clicking device for slip fielders to simulate faint edges, a money pouch for umpire referals and comes with a stylish little laser light key chain.

The morning after

Wow, what an awesome test match! England really showed the Australians how to do it. Finally a win at Lord's after 75 years of winless cricket.

Leaving Australia to make 521 in the last two days, which in today's test cricket isn't a tough ask, they bowled them out for a measly 406. *cough* wankers *cough*

Having set an enormous (by England standards) first innings total of 425, the Poms procede to bowl Ponting and his "men" out for a ridiculously low (by Aussie standards) 215. The biggest question left for everyone to think about was whether Strauss would make them bat again, or if he'd play defensively and try and set a bigger total and hopefully intimidate the pants off them. I'm not sure if they know this, but Warne doesn't play anymore and Hauritz is, well, not Warne, so there is no need to panic if you need to make more than 20 for a fourth innings chase.

Hauritz hasn't impressed me too much yet, so I find it odd that everyone is handing over their wickets to him so often, unless it's a ploy to lure him into a false sense of security and then when it really matters, he'll get some Harrisment.

After fannying around for the first few overs, the Aussies managed to limp their way to 128/5, but after receiving some Gummy Berry juice, they clawed their way back into the match and ended the day on 313/5 after Haddin and Clarke put together the crumbling innings with sticky tape and Prestik.

All was well up until the second over of day five when Fabulously Fit Freddie came blasting in and out of shear terror, Haddin offered up his wicket. Soon after that (43 runs later), Clarke followed and from there is was like picking the bits of meat of your KFC bones.

On day five, Swann and Flintoff bowled better than the Aussies could play and that sealed the first win for them against Australia in ages. In the end, Flintoff's retirement proved to be more of a distraction to the Aussies than to the Poms.

Flintoff grabbed his first 5 wicket haul in four years and only the third one of his Test career. In First Class he only has four of them. I feel he should definitely have had better figures than what he actually has.

Compared to Harmlesson and Monty Penisar:

Harmlesson :
FC - 26 in 182 matches
Tests - 8 in 61 matches

Penisar :
FC - 19 in 102 matches
Tests - 8 in 39 matches

Flintoff :
FC - 4 in 181 matches
Test - 3 in 77 matches

That's some pretty ordinary stats for a good bowler.

Anyways, he's still got another three Tests to play and maybe he'll even be fit enough to play all three. Let us hope that he can find that little extra in the rest of the games that he found at Lord's to get some more 5 wicket hauls.

England 1-0 Australia

The series is far from over and not even halfway yet, so don't expect Australia to lie down and die just yet. In Test cricket it's only over when it's over. I know one thing though, I predicted 2-1 to the Poms, so in the next three games we'll have a disappointment somewhere and I won't be surprised if it happens in Birmingham.

Oh, by the way, well done to Strauss and his ladies on a brilliant win.

Day 5, England vs Australia, 2nd test, Ashes 2009 - Judgement day

If England lose the second test against Australia, and I'm not saying they will, then they will have only themselves to blame. If I was captain, I would have told Ponting at the start of the series that if they end a 1st innings in any of the tests more than 200 behind, then they should bat again. I would have typed it out in an easy-to-follow document with pictures (for those Tasmanians) and emailed, faxed and posted it to Ponting, his "men", the Australian Cricket Board and the ICC.

All of a sudden that 500-odd total looks reachable (sort of) and Strauss will look like a right plonker if he captained his team into a hole. "Always make the other team stress about setting a total" is something I have always said, and I always apply that thinking when I play cricket on my computer.

But I still think England will win.

I'm rather looking forward to seeing what happens today and I'll be a happy camper if the Poms go 1-0 up.

Strauss, you better hope your bowlers bring wickets, otherwise I'll be calling for your head, which will go nicely above the fireplace I'll build one day.

Injury scare hits England, Australia laughs

Andrew Flintoff is the latest casualty in the Ashes tournament being played in England. After the first test in Cardiff ended on Sunday, he was confronted by a group of angry ladies on his way to the pub where he was to meet fellow team mates Monty Penasar, Stuart Broad, Graeme Swann and James Anderson to celebrate their centuries with the ball.

"There was nine or ten of them... they hit he with their handbags while two of them stabbed me with knitting needles. It was a terrible experience. I was so looking forward to the friendly celebrations at Paddy's Pub. Luckily Kev [Pietersen] came by and rescued me."

Kevin Pietersen was on his way to a local strip club when he reportedly heard a lady screaming for help. After dashing into the alley, he saw what he described as "Freddie like, being beaten up by like, old chicks" and rushed in to save him.

After throwing a few of them over a fence, he helped Freddie up and carried him to the nearest veterinary hospital where the doctor who examined him allegedly wanted to put him out because of his injuries. Pietersen promptly took him to a people hospital after having one of the delightful lattes from the café next door.

The doctor who examined Flintoff at the hospital, wrote out a sick note that will allow Flintoff to miss the second and possibly the third test against Australia "due to slight abrasions on his knee".

Flintoff is to receive counseling for what he went through in Cardiff and also for the trauma he suffered at the handbags of the old ladies.

Meanwhile, the Australian captain Ricky Ponting wasn't fazed by what appeared to be a lack security for the English team.

"We're more than capable of defending ourselves against old ladies, as we so rightly proved at Sophia Gardens last week. There's nothing the English can throw at us that we can't handle, except, you know, that Simon Cowell guy. He's just a nasty piece of work."

Australia will be in with a chance if Flintoff stays away from Lords for the second test on Thursday, especially after coming from the Cardiff test with his heroic, match-drawing spell of 1/128. England will be hoping for Flintoff to recover quickly if they are to draw the remaining tests in the series.

All eyes will be on the selectors to see who will replace Flintoff - Harmison or a real cricketer? Only time will tell, but we'll let you know if you didn't hear what time said.

Ashes test number one completed.

I quote myself from The Straight Drive Past the 'Keeper" group on Facebook:

"A completely gutless performance from England to draw the test. An absolute bunch of tossers. I'm not really keen on praising them for trying their best to draw a match heading for defeat. They throw away their wickets way too easily and they don't have any imagination with the ball.


The Aussies are under strength, but they made them look like world champions. I'd like to say, that if this Aussie team was to square up against a *REAL* test playing country like SA, they would have been killed."

Indeed. They played like a bunch of tossers. I didn't watch the game, but I followed it on the internet and I'm rather glad I didn't expend effort towards watching the game, because I would have probably died. If I actually watched the first test, I would probably have been able to put together more of an accurate opinion about the whole thing, instead of pulling comments out of my butt like this... which is probably where the selectors get their names for the squad.

How can a team be praised for playing for and achieving a DRAW?! What has become of the English?

"Yay! We didn't win, but at least we managed to play for a draw. Maybe the next match we'll be able to give them a bit more of a go, but if that doesn't work, then we can always go for another draw."

My dad taught me this : "If you didn't win, then you lost".

Why do English cricketers lack the balls to put up a fight? We all built them up and tipped them for a win in the first test, but they rather opted to play like duds. There is no sense of pride in their game. They show no enthusiasm in the field and they lack imagination with the ball. And I don't know why, but they also don't seem keen on staying out in the middle for long when they're batting. Maybe they were all rushing to go watch "East Enders"? Perhaps the selectors should keep their eyes on "Britain's Got Talent", just in case a cricketer shows up on there.

I'm hoping that this first test would have made them realise that they are lacking quite a lot in the strategy department and will arrive at Lords with a fresh set of plans. Or maybe they'll arrive at Lord's with some plans (you have to start somewhere).

I predicted an Ashes trophy in the English cabinet this year, so you tossers better start playing proper cricket or else I'll personally kick each and every English arse that shows up at Durban at the end of the year.

You've been warned.

Introduction

If you're reading this, then you muct have clicked on something that said "CLICK FOR FREE P0RN!!", because I don't think that Google would have take you to this page. You probably wouldn't have clicked on a link that directs you to yet another blog.

Anyway, welcome to my blog.

Mostly I'll be posting about cricket, but sometimes I'll talk about other sports that tickle my fancy and maybe some of my life stories as well, but only the amusing stories, not the boring I-could-have-read-it-in-a-Stephenie-Meyer-novel stories. All my posts are open to comment and I'd like it if you left some comments. Of course I won't allow any porno links or Paul Harris/Monty Penesar praising on my blog - that's just not cricket.

As you can see, I am Sir Wernich. I have been knighted by the kings of the "Straight Drive Past the 'Keeper" group on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=39815182831) for my contributions and for being an all-round super awesome kind of guy. I also declared months ago that the Aussies will get a beating in England during the Ashes and it will be mostly because of the abuse from me from the side of the field during the second South Africa vs Australia test in Durban. It worked so well that they lost the next test by an innings, they got kicked out of the ICC T20 World Cup after the first round and Symonds turned to alcohol.

Well, that's as good an introduction as you're going to get.